I think this week's sermon in the "My Secret Life" series is about doubt. Just a quick story from when I was involved in campus ministry.
I began attending the Wesley Student Center the first semester of my freshman year in college. It initially was a place for me to make friends that I could hang out with when my dorm friends were drinking at frat parties on Saturday nights. One Wednesday night meeting that I remember vividly was led by the campus minister. We were numbered off into small groups and given note cards. We were supposed to write down all the things that we were certain of in regards to our faith and then share them with our group. Each group would then report back to the larger group. I was paired with another freshman and Bonnie, a graduate student.
I was so nervous because honestly I didn't know what to write and just knew that Bonnie was going to fill up her card 3 times over. So, I went back to my Sunday school training and all the things I had heard other people say and wrote down things like, "Jesus was born of the Virgin Mary," "God created the heavens and the earth in 6 days and on the 7th day he rested," "Adam and Eve committed the original sin in the garden of Eden" etc. I probably had 6 or 7 items like this. When it came time, I shared mine, the other girl shared hers, and then it was Bonnie's turn. Bonnie, to my surprise, really only had one or two statements on her card. I believe they were something to the affect of "I believe in God and that God loves me" and "Because of Jesus I am forgiven." I was floored. Here was someone who was so much older and wiser (I know ... but at the time a grad student seemed like Solomon to me) and she could only state two things she knew for absolute certain. In that moment I had so much respect and love for her because I realized that she had doubts just like me and she wasn't ashamed of that.
Fast forward to four years later. I'm a senior and a peer minister and am leading midweek worship. There was no doubt in my mind that I was going to do that same exercise. I had all the groups scatter and then brought them back together and tried to get volunteers to share with the group. When no one spoke up, I shared with them the story about me as a freshman and Bonnie. I read them what I had my card and it was a few simple statements about my beliefs. When I was done, another senior who had been in the group with me since we were both freshman, Emily, spoke up. Emily was the model of what a good person and "good" Christian should be. She never swore, she was modest, she was kind to everyone, she volunteered her time, she visited the old folks home every month, she (no kidding) could play every song in the Methodist hymnal from memory, she sang in the choir, etc. With near tears in her eyes but a smile on her face she told me that she was overjoyed when she heard that neither Bonnie nor I were absolutely certain about a whole lot of things. She said that she doubted constantly but never felt like she could ever say that to anyone in our group. It was a relief and surprise to learn that she wasn't alone.
After that I always felt a special connection with her. Before I saw her as someone I should attain to be like, but who also made me feel kind of uncomfortable because I was guilty that I couldn't seem to be as faithful as her. But after that night, when we bonded over our doubts I regretted that I had wasted all those years not getting to know her better and sharing more of our spiritual journey.
The point of relating the entire proceeding story is that if anyone is reading this, I hope they not only know that it is ok to have doubts, but also know that by sharing those doubts it can bring us closer together as a community of faith. Being honest about this is not a weakness that will drive people away, but a strength that will ultimately attract people to us. I'll admit right now that from the age of 16 to 28 I've gone back and forth from being a faithful Christian and church attendee to a non-believer probably four times. I must've read Mere Christianity five times between ages 19 and 23 just to try and shake my doubts about God. I still don't know if I believe in many of the miracles described in the Bible - depends what day you catch me on.
Don't know what made me think about that tonight, but felt the urge to write it down.
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